breathing room
Posted: June 23, 2010 Filed under: Days, Waiting, Writing Leave a comment »
When did I become so productive?
As opposed to mellow, underachieving, and unengaged—all adjectives for the kid, teen, and young adult versions of me. Sure, I had some passions—Sanrio dollhouses, Bobbsey twins and other serial books, American soap operas, exchanging letters with friends—but nothing that really lit a fire and made me feel alive. Mostly, I floated through my days. I did not have anything I wanted to be and I did not have any clear, shining skills. What I did have was plenty of anxiety, shyness, and insecurity.
Eventually, I grew up and found my way into publishing. Even in all these years I’ve been writing and editing, the anxiety, shyness, and insecurity remain. But somehow, I’ve become productive. I’ve become output-oriented. I’m no longer as fast and nimble as my younger colleagues, but my body clock is set to work. I even, get this, feel guilty when I’m not at the office. Oh, the horror of that sentence. I suspect the Singapore years have something to do with this. As does the fact that, as my friend pointed out, work is all I have. There is no significant other, no business or craft, no advocacy or sport.
Maybe the world simply operates faster now, but I miss the days when my days had more breathing room and day and night were distinguishable. When I would sit in cafés. When I would take a writing assignment, conduct interviews and do research, and string words together to write a story. When I would hop from one bookstore to another and search for children’s books to add to my collection. When I would wonder if I would ever find my place in the grownup world. When I would search and search for answers. When failure was not yet a real, true thing.
*This was not the shape I intended for this post, but these are the sentiments that came out. Forgive the rant, it’s been a long day and it’s deadline week. What I really wanted to write about was the joy of lazy days and about enjoying inspiration without necessarily using it for output. I’ve been reading a book called The Gentle Art of Domesticity and I found the writer’s essay on finding inspiration simply wonderful. Wait for the next post!
