how i feel these days

“to waiting”

“Four years ago I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing I ever had to do, which was just to wait. Don’t get me wrong I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of friends and family that I do know how to make a photocopy. I didn’t need your help that many times. And do you remember how long it took you to teach me to drive stick? [Pam: "Like, a year."] I’ve been driving stick since high school.

“For a really long time that’s all I had. Little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think, even then I knew, I was waiting for my wife.

“To waiting.”

—Jim Halpert, toasting to his bride Pam Beesly during their rehearsal dinner on The Office

camel high

Did four camels in a row in this afternoon’s class. Blissful energy!

Looking forward to the “master class” on Thursday evening with a Filipino teacher who teaches in Bikram’s HQ in the US, and the Yoga Asana Championships on Sunday afternoon. It’s a full yoga week!

sabbatical dreaming

“As you can imagine, it is a lovely and energetic time.”

this week

As far as weeks go, this was one of the better ones in recent months (read: post-US vacation). My energy was humming, thanks to yoga, and I felt up for my work. I was productive but not exhausted. Among other things, I wrote an article (which I have not done in so long), got the ball rolling for next week’s cover shoot, met with E and J about the look of next year’s pages, made a presentation to my bosses about editorial plans for 2010, finished proofing November proofs, and closed 22 December pages. Not too shabby. Plus, I even got to do a side project for some solid extra bucks! And last night, M asked if I would like to write their review section beginning with the January 2010 issue. Why, yes! I am always happy to write for her, and this feeds my craving for a new creative project to play with.

On the yoga front, Friday’s 6.30am class was a class of surprises. Like that really strong first floor bow. I was taken aback by how strong I kicked and how high I felt my entire self go up in a U towards the ceiling. And the camel! It felt like the first real camel I’ve done in months! It was strong, graceful, fully arched backward. My heart was bursting with joy. It’s the first camel in recent weeks that hasn’t left me lightheaded or feeling like a total loser. I had so much gusto for it that I did three in a row! Would have done four but I had to remind myself to be nice to my body and stay steady.

I also got to have lunch with kf this week. She’s been back for about two weeks now, from her year and a half of volunteering in South America. She’s off to NYC for Christmas! How envious I am. Listening to her talk about her plans (checking out possible scholarships, scoping out the publishing scene here and abroad), I thought what I always think after spending time with her—that she’s got the whole follow-your-bliss thing down pat and that we must make these days count.

flying lessons

Yesterday, S, who resigned at the top of the year, came to the office to present her accessories to the fashion girls. She’s in charge of marketing this line of imported Italian-made bracelets, cuffs, and rings that many A-list Hollywood celebs are wearing these days. I only found out about this enterprise of hers recently; all this time, I thought she was busy with her soon-to-open food kiosk/bar. I should have known she had other things going on. She, the ultimate multitasker with the energy of a thousand bunnies. Of course, S did not have an ordinary presentation. With her partners, she set up a table in the center of the room draped in black velvet. Over it, they displayed their wares. To the left of that, another table served as the setting for a tower of cupcakes in boxes; each chocolate cupcake was topped with a fondant cuff! In the back of the room, where I was sitting and laughing with P, they set out a lovely spread of canapés, creamy rigatoni with shrimps, single-serve tiramisu cups (with the accessory brand’s name dusted in cocoa), and a clear dispenser of orange juice with pink plastic cups set beside it. A lovely affair for the fashion girls. Watching S present her stuff, I was thrilled and proud. I was in awe of her complete command of herself. Atta, girl.

Yesterday too, I had a long conversation with E. I’ve worked with E for three years now, but I don’t think we have ever talked this long, this much. We sat in my cubicle for a good 30 or 40 minutes as she told me about an internship she’s been offered in Virginia. E works hard, she does her work well, and I am always happy with the pages and photos she turns in—and that’s been how we’ve communicated all this time. We have not developed a friendship outside of work, like S and I have, but somehow I’ve always liked that about E. I’ve always had a feeling she has a bright, shining future in publishing, and I’ve been focused on training her, encouraging her talent, nudging her towards all her possibilities. And now she has this internship before her. It’s a six-month-long gig, which means she may likely have to resign. The thought kills me, but of course I told her to go for it. She says she hasn’t made a final decision, but however this turns out, I am already hugely proud of her. She’s leaping into the unknown, she’s moving forward, she’s making things happen.

Yesterday, I was reminded of how lucky I am to work with such a great group of people. They never fail to make me laugh, and best of all they inspire me in so many ways—to be kind, to keep going, to be joyful, to be fearless, to take these wings and learn to fly.

three steps forward

Slept late last night but when the alarm rang at 5.30am, my eyes popped open. No one was more surprised than me. Still, I hemmed and hawed about going to yoga. Maybe I should get more sleep, maybe I shouldn’t push my back three days in a row, maybe I should blah blah blah. I’m so grateful for that small voice inside me that told me to shut up and get up.

I had such a good class—my third in a row. It’s a minor miracle, but it feels like a major step forward. I reconnected with some yoga truths I’d picked up in the past two years but had somehow forgotten. Like how practicing through the pain is sometimes necessary to get to the other side. Like how you can be suddenly surprised by a new spaciousness in hopelessly stiff parts of your body. Like how something as ordinary as feeling the length of your spine while lying on the floor can soak you in joy. Like how the body needs time too—to rest, to heal, to pick itself up and take the next step. Like how connecting with your body, thinking through and being present in every breath and every posture, can inspire you take care of yourself again. Like how practicing at 6.30 in the morning is like basking in light, love, and peace. And it’s just all there, waiting for you.

Namaste.

i, spine

“If you have a strong, healthy spine, the world is yours.”

—Bikram Choudhury, Bikram Yoga

this morning

Waking up at 530am this morning and peeling myself away from my bed, my head had but one thought: How did I ever manage to do this for 50 days back in January and February?

Last night, as I left the office at 1030pm, I felt like a raggedy old rag. It was going to be a short evening—not much time for relaxing or unwinding—before I had to get up and start the day again and be stressed again. I kept thinking that I really wanted to practice yoga, but I felt choked by the feeling that I was running out of time, by the thought of all the work that remains undone.

This small story has a happy ending. I slept deeply last night albeit late, and I did wake up and attend the 630am class, and I had a pretty good one too. My back didn’t feel as stiff as it did in the last couple of classes, so that I was able to do the Jap ham sandwich and I felt pretty fearless in the second act, especially in the triangle and standing bow. The difficulty this morning was in the breathing—I kept trying for longer and deeper inhales and exhales but it was all so shallow, like the windows and doors of me were all shut.

So how did I ever manage to do this for 50 days back in January and February? I woke up every morning—no matter how late I slept the night before, no matter how I felt that morning, no matter awaited me that day—and went to class and practiced and went on about my day. I made a commitment and I kept it. The end.

giant blog list

Look, it’s a list of the 100 Best Yoga and Meditation Blogs out here in the Internets. I am looking forward to combing through it and hopefully finding some inspiring hits. But first, back to work.